Op-ed by John Winston Thomas III
Listen up, all you foreign bastards in Taiwan. I want you to get the hell out of my country. And fast.
Let me clear that up. By foreign, I mean white men. As a white man who was here before the white man explosion of 2010, let me tell you: you’re fucking it up for the rest of us.
There was a time when white men in Taiwan were naively considered fun loving, free, and eligible, rather than correctly identified as alcoholic, womanizing, and washed up peasantry. But now the golden days when you could walk down the street swigging Suntory and not be accurately judged as a filthy degenerate are long gone. And we could continue to get away with it too, if most of you latecoming fucks would just leave.
For fuck’s sake, at least stop inviting your dumb white friends over. “Taiwan is so great.” “Taiwan is so convenient.” “Taiwanese people are so nice.” “Taiwanese girls are so pretty.” “It’s so easy to get a job.” Every time you sell Taiwan to one of your useless drunken pals, you make it more difficult for the rest of us to lead irresponsible lifestyles that fly under the social radar. Here’s a thought experiment: Let’s say you’re a miner and find a gold vein — are you going to mail all of your poor pals about that too, you fucking moron?
This was probably the only country in the world where literally all you needed was a college degree, ANY fucking college degree from any shitty college, and could instantly become lower-middle class with infinite dating prospects no matter how mentally ill you might be. Well, those days are ending fast. Here’s what you idiots sound like to me: “Hey, Tommy, come check out Taiwan, it’s awesome! Hell yeah bring your brother!” and then: “Gee, my cram school boss treats me like a replaceable piece of shit! What’s the deal?”
You know what the worst is? When Taiwanese girls on Tinder somehow accurately guess that I’m not looking for anything serious and that I just want to fuck. And by ‘somehow guess’ I mean, rely on collective social experience about how white men tend to court Taiwanese women, because you dipshits had to ruin literally everything.
Why am I writing this piece now? One of you assholes even ruined my danbing shop experience, and that was the last straw. First of all, if you didn’t know that there was etiquette to choosing a danbing shop, that just further proves my point about how you’re fucking everything up. If a white guy has already picked that shop, pick another one. There are more than enough — at least there used to be. If you pick the same one, you’re going to confuse the owner, because face it, we all look the same.
That’s what happened to me yesterday when Mr. Zhang cooked me up a tuna and corn danbing after two years of straight bacon and cheese orders. I might add: outside of fucking with my danbing shop, tuna and corn is a fucking shameful choice.
I want to be mad at Mr. Zhang and blame him, but I know the real culprit is you, you area-invading foreign cocksucker. YOU confused him with your round eyes, wispy facial hair, and terrible Mandarin. How is he supposed to tell us apart? Why couldn’t you just stay the hell in Ohio, or whatever shithole you came from, and leave my danbing shop alone? Don’t you understand that I’M the token foreign guy in this part of town? The people here know ME, and treat ME like a retarded infant. That type of intensive care is a PRECIOUS COMMODITY and you are DILUTING IT WITH YOUR IGNORANT PRESENCE.
FUCK YOU, GET OUT.