English teachers in Taiwan are losers: an open letter

Hey, listen up English teachers: I’m an entrepreneur in the blockchain sex toy app tech space and I’m tired of all these idiot ESL teachers ruining Taiwan for the rest of us good foreigners who start businesses or work at tech companies. You’re all just glorified babysitters bottom-feeding in a dying market, and you all know it.

First of all, you don’t deserve the pay you get. Sure, average earnings haven’t increased in more than a decade, and yeah, you have hardly any rights or protections, but 600NT per hour is just too much money to pay someone responsible for a group of developing human beings for hours at a time. “Oh boo-hoo,” I hear you crying, “but we actually work more than we get paid for because we have to plan classes and grade assignments and attend meetings and don’t get paid for that,” and your whining makes me sick.

Instead of complaining because you’re too lazy and lack vision, you should try to work for one of the four companies in Taiwan that will hire foreigners in jobs outside of English teaching. The Taipei Times is always looking and even though they pay mostly in birdseed and you’d end up making much less money for a lot more work, you wouldn’t be a scumfuck ESL teacher anymore, and that’s really what you should be aiming for. Or, better yet, write content for my revolutionary social media app, A-Beadz-Worldwide.io and I’ll pay you in Toasteria sandwiches and company stock that doesn’t even exist yet.

None of you will do that though, because here’s the bombshell: you’re just not very smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you went to college, and I know a good chunk of you have degrees even above your bachelor’s, but you don’t have the same smarts as someone with a dual degree in business and crypto-finance from Wichita Online College who is out there making moves and building blockchain based apps connecting innovators and premium sex toy enthusiasts. You know, like me.

Being stupid is bad enough, but to add insult to injury, you don’t contribute hardly at all. The ESL market in Taiwan is basically dead, and I don’t want to hear anything about a supposed rush to international schools and Western-style educational programs because that’s fake news. Sure, Taiwan’s most affluent and well connected families send their offspring to TAS and American universities en masse, but really, besides that, where’s the market?

My problem with this is that you’re giving real visionaries, like myself, a bad image because Taiwanese people just assume I’m one of you. And sure, I also teach at Hess to pay the bills while I search for investors, but that is temporary because my blockchain based social media app that connects anal bead aficionados is going to revolutionize the sex toy and tech space in Taiwan. It’s all about connections people!

Instead, you losers just get drunk at shitty expat bars like Brass Monkey or Brickyard when you should be getting an overpriced “table” at the Hyatt Pool Parties or taking a few beans of molly at Road to Ultra like us innovators.

So, ESL losers, stop coming to Taiwan, and if you’re already here you need to leave. The era of the synergizing entrepreneur dawns, and our digital nomadism will produce a utopian expat community that will draw the likes of crypto-anarchist perverts and blockchain-based vibrating anal bead app tycoons alike.

At least as soon as I can actually get a response from someone at AmCham.

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